Pa Grape: Ahoy there, maties! Captain Pa here! Welcome aboard the ship of the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!
Mr. Lunt: Nothing.
Larry: Zilch.
Mr. Lunt: Nada.
Pa Grape: Not so fast, you lazies! Today, we're doing a little something.
Larry: (irritated) Not again!
Mr. Lunt: We did something yesterday!
Pa Grape: Huh? All you did was order Chinese!
Mr. Lunt: Hey, it's hard to say moo goo guy pan! Whoop, I did it again. I'm beat.
Larry: Here, have a won-ton.
Mr. Lunt: Ooh!
Pa Grape: Over the past few months, we've asked our loving and loyal fans to cast their votes for their favorite Silly Song. Well, the votes are in! And now it's time to tally them all up in the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness!
Contraption: Astonishing Contraption of Silliness!
Mr. Lunt: What a lame name. Who came up with that? (looks over at Larry)
Larry: What? I liked it. Won-ton?
Mr. Lunt: Ooh!
Pa Grape: Let the silliness begin! (starts the machine up) Well, classics like...
Contraption: Everybody's got a water buffalo...
Pa Grape: Or who can forget...
Contraption: Oh, where is my hairbrush...
Pa Grape: And then there is...
Contraption: Miren el pepino
Watch the cucumber...
(The contraption starts speeding up, Pa muttering unintelligibly. The machine shuts down)
Pa Grape: Ya, bucket of bolts. Enough lollygagging, you slackers! It's time to shake a leg! (Larry takes this literally) Buccaneer Larry, man the vote sacks!
Larry: Aye-aye, captain.
Pa Grape: Pirate Lunt, hoist the booster!
Mr. Lunt: Okay.
Pa Grape: Let's go over the rules, shall we? We'll put your votes in the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness. The Astonishing Contraption of Silliness will count your votes and then the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness will countdown to the Silliest Silly Song of all time!
Larry: That's it!
Mr. Lunt: The polls are closed.
Pa Grape: Oh! Great! Well, the moment has arrived. Buccaneer Lunt, the lever!
Contraption: Number 10! Endangered Love
Number 9! The Dance of the Cucumber
Number 8! Larry's High Silk Hat
Number 7! The Dance of the Yodeling Cebu Lips
Pa Grape: Hold it! Stop the countdown!!! I don't understand... There must be some mistake! I think perhaps the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness may need some recalibrating. (Picks up a wooden mallet) This oughta do it. (Whacks the machine)
Contraption: Number 7! The Water Buffalo Song
Pa Grape: Oh, that's a nice one. The grandfather of Silly Songs. The one that started the whole thing! Let's pause for a moment of respect, shall we?
(Everyone bows their heads with peaceful music in the background)
Pa Grape: That's enough. Hit it! (Larry starts the machine up)
Contraption: Number 6! The Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps
Number 5! The Song of the Cebu
Number 4! The Song of the Water Buffalo Who Don't Love Cebu with Yodeling Lips
Pa Grape: Wait a minute!! Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. It appears we're experiencing technical difficulties once again. Buy me some time.
Mr. Lunt: (confused) Huh?
Larry: What are we supposed to do?
Pa Grape: I don't know. Think of something! Come up with another one of those Silly Songs you're so famous for!
Larry: But... I didn't prepare anything.
Pa Grape: (frustrated) Oh for Pete's sake! (Picks up a Chinese menu) Here, use this.
(Do the Moo Shoo)
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Kung Pao
Larry: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Mongolian
Larry: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Sweet and sour
Larry: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Cashew
Larry: Chicken!
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Do the Moo Shoo!
Moo Shoo Moo Moo Moo Moo Moo Shoo
Moo Moo Shoo Moo Moo Moo Moo Shoo Shoo!
Do the Moo Shoo!
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Mandarin
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Barbecued
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Sweet and sour
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Spicy shredded
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Pork!
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Do the Tofu!
Tofu fu fu Tofu Tofu fu
Tofu fu Tofu fu fu Tofu
Mr. Lunt: Stop!!! Break a fortune cookie!
Larry: (opens it and reads) "Beware of grape with wooden mallet."
Mr. Lunt: Ain't that the truth.
Pa Grape: (Hits the machine one last time) That oughta do it. Nice try, but I don't think it will make the countdown.
Contraption: Number 4! His Cheeseburger
Number 3! Love My Lips
Pa Grape: There are only 2 Silly Songs left, and we're still in it! 1 song will go home the loser, the other will go home as the Silliest Silly Song ever! And the loser is...
Contraption: Number 2! The Pirates Who Don't...
Pa Grape: Hold it! Stop the countdown!!! Maybe we didn't collect all the votes!
Mr. Lunt: What are you talking about?
Larry: Sure we did!
Pa Grape: No, maybe we didn't! Did you remember to check the closet?
Larry: There's nothing in the...
Pa Grape: Eh!!! Maybe there's more votes in the closet! (goes offscreen. We hear chattering and a cat is screeching. Pa comes back with a bag labeled Official Votes) Oh, look!
Mr. Lunt: Wait a minute.
Larry: (suspicious) What's going on?
Pa Grape: (innocently) We cannot allow our own negligence to violate the will of the people. (throws a bag into the machine)
Mr. Lunt: Hey, I smell something fishy.
Pa Grape: That's your friend.
Larry: Kung pao squid?
Mr. Lunt: Ah... No.
Contraption: Number 2!
Mr. Lunt: Hold it!!
Larry: Somebody has a confession to make, don't they?
Mr. Lunt: Don't they?
Pa Grape: Okay, okay, I rigged the election!! That last bag of votes weren't official votes at all. They were all phony votes for our song!
Larry: I'm appalled!
Mr. Lunt: I'm disgusted! You disgrace the proud title of pirate!! Eh... No wait. Maybe not.
Pa Grape: I'm sorry. It's just that (Mr. Lunt) you have got your cheeseburger song (Larry) and you have got everything else and... Well, that song is all I had!
Mr. Lunt: Well, number 2 is nothing to sneeze at.
Larry: Yeah, that's really good.
Pa Grape: You think so?
Mr. Lunt: Oh, yeah. It sure beats the Forgive-O-Matic.
Scallion #1: I heard that!
Pa Grape: Huh... I guess you're right. It is nothing to sneeze at! Will you guys forgive me?
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Okay, all right! You bet. We'll forgive you.
Pa Grape: Astonishing Contraption of Silliness, will you forgive me?
Contraption: Yes!
Pa Grape: Oh, good.
Contraption: Don't let it happen again!
Pa Grape: All right all ready. Okay, let's set the record straight.
Contraption: Number 2! The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything
Pa Grape: And now, the Silliest Silly Song of all time!
Contraption: Number 1! The Hairbrush Song
Pa Grape: Well, that's it! The great Silly Song Countdown is complete!
Larry: Thanks for voting, everyone! You guys are great!
Mr. Lunt: Yeah, thanks!
(Larry walks up to the camera)
Larry: Kung pao squid?